Steubenville changed how I parent.

Picture a beautiful day.  My son, almost a year and a half and his little girl friend who is exactly one year older than him are playing outside.  Laughing and giggling, having a great time.  My little boy hugs her and tries to kiss her and she says “NO Crosby!” and runs away.  I pull him aside and say “When a girl says no, you have to stop.  We don’t touch girls when they don’t want to be touched.”

And there is was.

Steubenville.  The rape case that brought awareness to the country, had just changed the way I parent my 17 month old.

There is no way he could fully understand what I meant by that statement.  Nonetheless, I made it.  I knew what I meant.  I also knew I would repeat that a million more times.  I was always going to teach my son about appropriate consensual love and anything other than appropriate consensual love, which is rape.  I knew when he was born I would have to teach him.  I am a parent who wants to make sure my kid grows up to know the difference between right and wrong.  I also don’t want a rapist as a kid.  I will do whatever I have to in order to ensure that respect and awareness is always present with him.

We all know what happened in Steubenville was wrong.  On so many levels, so very very wrong.  In my eyes it starts with neglect from adults teaching their children, really teaching their children.  The teens who saw the rape happening and didn’t stop it, who saw a person in trouble and didn’t help them.  All the alcohol that was freely available.  The parents who kicked out drunk kids who were not staying the night instead of calling their parents and saying “get your kid, he/she is drunk.”  Meanwhile thousands of  blasts about a person in need though texts, tweets, Youtube videos and photos… they were all wrong.  But the worst thing of all, was that a girl got raped and not one single person cared enough, or had enough self respect and overall love for all humans to stop it.  To say “No!” and to know that whether she could say no or not, any one else could have.  ANY ONE could have said NO!

So here I am, a mom of a 17 month old boy, already using specific language to hammer in the rights and wrongs of rape.  Before this I said “When anyone says no, you have to stop.”  The simple truth is we don’t touch anyone when they don’t want to be touched or don’t give consent.  That is common sense, or at least I thought it was.  It will be common sense for my son.

The “me” in mom(me)

Oh how I have loved being Crosby’s mom.  Everyday is an adventure full of play and discovery.  He’s beginning to communicate with more ease now, though his words are not plenty, his intention is and we have a language we all understand… for the most part.  He laughs all day throughout the day and makes incredible faces at the bits my husband and I do.  If  you are ready to be a parent, then being a parent is the most gratifying and challenging part of everyday.  This was a great move on my part… you know… making a human and then following through with the raising a good human.  Oh God I hope I raise a good human!

Honestly the hardest part for me was letting go of the things that had occupied me in the past.  Not that I felt any less of myself or a person.  I was never upset or angry that I wasn’t able to easily do those other “me” things.  I simply missed that freedom I had to be me.

A friend of mine said to me one night “I see more of you now that you have a baby than I did before he was born.  You go out more.”  I thought about it and it was true.  Now that Crosby is here, my husband and I make a stronger effort to be social.  We’ve actually gotten really good at going out.  We get a sitter (or one of us stays home) and we have a night out with friends.  Sometimes our friends come to us and we host.  We at least put forth an effort to go to anything we are invited to, babysitters dictate absolute freedom.  This all became doable once Crosby started sleeping through the night.  At first we were just happy he was sleeping all night.  We got rest, caught up on our favorite TV shows, reconnected with each other.  Then like a brick we realized that he would never know if we left.  And that’s it, HE DOESN’T KNOW WE ARE GONE!  It’s perfect.  I have zero guilt.  Not that going out should ever be accompanied with guilt but if I am going to be honest, and that’s the point, I do have guilt when he is awake and I am gone.  Until now!  Our sitters have the easiest gig ever, they show up, he’s already asleep, they watch TV and eat our food and we pay them.  We pay them for our sanity, our freedom and our opportunity to each be “me” again.

I bumped into a new dad at iO West the other night.  His baby girl was two months old and you could see on his face that he was a proud daddy and a tired daddy.  A mutual friend mentioned that I had a baby boy and he and I started chatting.  He was shocked that both my husband and I were out.  I simply explained to him that it gets easier and that soon enough he and his wife can escape the trenches together and not worry about it.  He genuinely looked relieved and hopeful.  We had a long chat about the early days being “keep it alive” verses what is my current “you’re fun now.”  It’s important to know that you can get back that part of you that feels youthful, individual and independent.

My sister-in-law and one of my very best friends runs marathons.  I always say marathons and she always corrects me that they are shorter than marathons.  I say if she’s running in the cold frigid air of Wisconsin in the winter, I’m calling it a marathon.  She’s amazing.  I can barely do a sit up every day and she’s out there running her heart out.  She told me that one race she was grunting and even though she wanted to start walking she didn’t, she just kept running.  Why?  Why not walk?  Because this is her “me” time.  This is what she does for herself.  This is how she honors her soul, her spirit, her being.  By running (short) marathons.  She’s a great example to her three boys.  A strong woman who despite the crazy cold, the marathon length and the physical difficulty of it all, keeps going and honors her “me.”  I’m not a runner but I get it.  I get that drive and passion.  It’s what keeps us parents humans and not just jungle gyms, cooks, teachers, snot wipers, punching bags…. And don’t we all want to set that example?  That we are more than just a person who carries sunblock, diapers, wipes, snacks, hand sanitizer, hats, change of clothes, toys, sippy cups… We are still our own person with our own interests and our own passions.  Pushing a human out of our bodies didn’t change that.  It only reminded us that prioritizing and including time for ourselves is just as important as making a home cooked dinner every night and reading books to our babies before bed.

My version of it all is improvisation.  I still teach improv almost every day of the week.  Performing was a different story.  I attempted to go back to short form about 6 months after Crosby was born.  By the end of the show I noticed my boobs were engorged.  By the end of notes all I could think about was why didn’t I bring the pump so I could pump on the way home!  It seemed too much too soon.  In addition, I played with strangers.  I had been gone long enough that the cast had changed and I didn’t know them.  I love playing with new people, but that night I wanted to play with friends.  I needed to know that leaving my baby to do improv was worth it.  That night I wanted to feel like me again, instead I felt like a mom who shouldn’t be doing this.  I was simply heartbroken.  If I lost performing improv, then I lost my creative outlet.  So I waited a few more months.  I began showing up to Secret Lab rehearsals, a long form experimental show the College Team does at CSzLA.  Eddie, the director, had me play and participate.  That joy was flooding back.  I didn’t care if I wasn’t in front of an audience.  I was having fun.  I was playing again.  Then I auditioned for Mannerhouse Manor, a British style-Edwardian era-fully improvised- Downton Abbey like-long form.  And I was cast.  And it saved me.  I was back in the swing.  Nothing about this show had anything to do with my being a mom.  It was me, being me, playing with friends in Edwardian England.  Quickly Christmas came and I was asked if I wanted to participate in the ComedySportz LA Holiday shows.  Just like that I was in two more long form shows that were fantastically fun, easy, playful and my heart, my soul, my spirit began to feel whole again.  Mannerhouse Manor is almost done with this run and I find myself grateful for the journey back that is brought me on.  I wonder what other improv shows I have yet to experience that will allow my adventurous spirit to play.

I find I am a happier mama. Not that I wasn’t happy before.  I hadn’t realized I could be even happier!  I still have all my time with my boy.  He’ll go to bed and I will go to rehearsal or do a show.  My “me” in Mom(me) is appropriate, balanced and makes me stronger for my family.  Taking care of me doesn’t take anything away from my family, it adds to the overall happiness, joy and creativity I need to be individually fulfilled.

It took about a year, but I stayed patient and positive and it led me to my  marathon.  For those of you who are in the trenches, I hope you know that in due time your soul, your spirit and your being will find your “me” again.

1st Birthday – Mission: Crosby

It was my son’s first birthday.  We got this amazing rocket ship and our theme was set.  I mean, it’s 9 feet tall, we had to have a ROCKET THEME PARTY!  I painted on it and we were off!  I wish I had taken pictures before people came, but alas I did not. So the food is half empty and the place is a mess, but you get the idea.  It was a blast.  Get it, a blast!

My husband and my son, next to our giant rocket ship.  My husband hung black table clothes and cut out white stars to create a fun backdrop.

My husband, mom and I baked cupcakes and made fresh frosting the night before.  These turned out delicious and cute!

I had purchased this rocket cake pan.  This was the third attempt!  I gave up on cake and instead did brownies, used fresh strawberries and raspberries as the fire and blueberries as the sky.  Sprinkle with powder sugar and it turned out fantastic!  Sometimes doing it simple is far better than making it complicated!

Rocket Fuel – Simply Lemonade!

Space Punch – Sangria for adults!

Meteorites – my dad’s homemade meatballs.

Star clusters- star shaped pasta.  I didn’t get a good photo of this one!

Moon Rocks – garlic bread.  Freshly made of course!

Cupcake time!

Family photo opportunity!

Everyone who came got a photo with the rocket ship.  There is no gravity in the rocket so you just float.

To believe this you must ignore my hands holding him up!

Me and my big boy!  One year old and all grown up!

I actually took this photo the next day.  We had take home bags for all the little kids.  A pair of rocket shades, stickers, puffy stickers and milky way candy.  Those shades are hilarious by the way!  The rocket sign and labels I made.  I just found a rocket image online for free and made labels for everything from the food to “The Black Hole” aka trash etc…

We all had space themed clothing.   A NASA tank for me, My husband had an Astronaut shirt with every mission and name of every man who ever walked on the moon and my son had two outfits (one before cake and one after cake).

This was a wonderful day.  We all had fun.  I’ll post the individual pictures of our friends in front of the rocket separately so as to not share with the entire world!  Thank you to my mom and my husband for all their help and to all our friends who came to celebrate this occasion with us.  All of you have been our support system, our local family when our family is so far.  You all have encouraged us, loved us and been the best to our son.  Year one down… let the adventure in laughter, love and joy continue!

Sunset love!

This post is all about the gorgeous sky and the sunset that took my breath away.  These masterpieces, painted by God and changing moment by moment.  It was wonderful.  Enjoy!

View from my front yard.

Total love of the colors, hues and the way they blend.

The two men I love the most in this world.

I’m a lucky mama to have this guy in my life and fill my heart.

Vacation. Going back home.

Living in LA I have found that most of my friends are not actually from LA.  We all moved here to follow a dream and then fell in love with the smog, traffic and congestion.  Ahem… Traveling home at first was for the major holidays.  Then the visits slowed down and really just turned into “gosh I haven’t been back in a long time, maybe I should go.” Or a great work opportunity would arise and create a paid trip home and a fun performance gig.  Going back home was slowing down and the trips had eventually become shorter and shorter in length.

One of the things I noticed about my friends who had kids was they all went home in the summers… for a long time.  I thought I understood why, to see family right?  But now, well, now I get it.  I get it on a totally different level.  Going home, is going home.  Understanding love in a new way.   A deeper appreciation for family.  Going home is about sharing adventures with 3 generations.  It is about being taken care of when all you do every day, all day, is take care of this human you made, making sure they are learning, striving and not in danger.  It’s simply having someone else take care of you while you take care of yours.  Going home is truthfully the best thing I could have done for myself, my son and my family… both my birth family and chosen family.

It’s not easy to be away from my things.  No bed will ever be as comfortable as my bed.  But let’s get real for a second, I haven’t slept well in over a year so any bed in any stretch of time will work just fine.  And a shower is a shower especially when taking a shower at home sometimes doesn’t happen until 5pm, along with brushing your teeth.  So those little sacrifices are all worth it because it’s the love and joy in my mom’s face or my sister’s eyes and even my brother-in-laws playfulness that makes me so grateful to have them.  It also makes it so difficult to leave them.  It’s not easy to live far from family.

I somewhat envy those who live near family or who have made the choice to leave LA and go home so that they can be near family.  It’s a true selfless act to give up on what you believed your dream was and embrace your new dream.  Now with all that being said we won’t be moving to Florida or Wisconsin to be near family.  We are established in LA and my husband is making his dreams come true.  But sometimes I wish I had a superpower of teleportation and I could just go home with my son, husband and two little awesome dogs. How great would it be to have Sunday dinners at my moms or say hi to my best friends or kiss on my nephews and share some wine with my sister-in-law.  Sometimes I wish.   Until that day comes (because why not keep wishing for teleportation?) I will take those extra long trips home to see my family.  I will embrace that time with them and cherish those memories we will make together.  Maybe, just maybe being away from my family makes me appreciate them more.  Maybe this just deepens our relationships and gives us opportunity to live in the moment and make Today The Day.

Below are a few photos of our trip to Florida this summer.  I think the photo’s say it all.

Parents and baby on a plane.  Actually he was calmer than we were.

Siesta Key, FL.  First time in the ocean and he LOVES it!

Kurt and my mom.  Bob, my father-in-law and myself.  Siesta Key, FL.

He’s in love with his daddy!

Poolside with daddy.

Aunt Sabrina and Crosby.

Grandma Kitty and Crosby.

Yaya and a sleepy boy.

Aunt Sabrina and Uncle Ron playing with their super-nephew.

More swim time.  More joyful water love!

One of my dearest friends Stevie P and his family came over for July 4th.

Gates holding Crosby, Ross holding milk.

One of my very best friends Desiree came over with her kids to swim.

Anastasia, Crosby and Gavin.  More swim time with more best friends!

Love and Aunt Sabrina!

My uncle Terry = Crosby’s Grand Uncle Terry!

My mom and my sister.  I love my family!

Eddie and Crosby chatting!

Mom and Crosby having a conversation.

Daytona Beach

Dee Dee from Maple Street.

Mom and Sabrina beachside dining.

Good morning sunshine.  Oh how I see possibility and love and God in this!- Daytona Beach, FL.

It’s nap time.

Below: Missy B to the left and Big D to the right.

Anastasia said “Big lips!” Desiree won!

Shawna and her kids.  Anthony, Owen and Magen.

Uncle Ron!  What a wonderful Uncle he is.

Old high school friends who are still in my life!  Eddie, SharOn and Desiree.

I love them all!

Again Yaya and her magic sleeping powers.

Look at this place, I don’t want to leave.

To the left: “What do you mean we are leaving?!!!!”

To the right:  Delayed… on the plane.  Oh flying alone, the worst way to end the best trip.

Back in LA, back home.  Back to loving Wink, the one eyed dog.

Sometimes it’s hard to travel and be away from your comforts.  What I learned after having Crosby was that those comforts mean nothing to me in comparison to family.  Being with each other, laughing, swimming, chatting, eating, drinking and playing together.  Those things fill my soul and spirit with love and endless joy.  And not just my family and friends, having Kurt’s family fly to Orlando and stay with us for a week was amazing.  I am grateful that for Crosby’s first vacation he had his yaya and grandpa with him, his aunt and uncle, his mom and dad.

Now if only Kurt’s brother and family could have been there too, I can say it would have been even more perfect.  Plus our dogs.  Our dogs always make everything better.  They are family too and wherever there is family around, you are home.

Whole wheat pasta and meat sauce

I teach a group of college kids who have occasionally asked me “I want to cook a meal for my boyfriend or girlfriend.  What’s easy that I won’t ruin?”  Well, this is a fail proof dish.  You seriously cannot mess this up.

First start to boil your water for your pasta.

Next, brown ground turkey in a pan.  Sprinkle a little salt, pepper to taste and a good amount of dried sweet basil and Italian seasoning.  I feel like you can’t use too much seasoning unless it is salt.  Always be cautious of too much salt when cooking, you can always add more after.  If you use ground turkey you don’t need to drain the fat, there is none!  Yay.  So just brown the meat then add a jar of your favorite pasta sauce.  In this meat sauce dish, I prefer to use Classico’s Traditional Sweet Basil.  Just add the entire jar, fill with a little water, shake it up and pour it all on top of the meat.  Stir and warm on low heat.

 

 

Meanwhile once your water is boiling, put your noodles in and cook according to the package directions.  Remember you want to bring water to a boil then add salt for flavor and a splash of olive oil to prevent sticky pasta.   Don’t overcook pasta, you actually make it less healthy and mushy if it is overcooked.  I love using whole wheat pasta, it’s healthier and the flavor of the sauce is so delicious you won’t notice that you have changed over to a healthier pasta.

To make Garlic Bread, get a loaf of bread from the bakery like French bread or a baguette.  Cut lengthwise, spread butter or buttery spread, sprinkle with minced garlic (I use dried minced garlic as I don’t want my bread to be soggy) and put it in the oven until it has the crunch you want.  About 15 minutes at 350 degrees.

Add a side salad with your favorite Italian dressing and serve up.  It’s easy, it’s healthy and incredibly flavorful.  AND this entire meal takes no more than 30 minutes.

It’s not just a pasta dish. It’s one that they will love.

Mango Chicken for the Crock Pot!

Oh I know I went on and on about the last Salsa Chicken dish I posted and I don’t want to sound repetitive but OH MY GOSH this dish is one you should know and make asap!  It’s gluten and dairy free (yay) and unless you are like my friend Anne who is allergic to mangos, it’s a super safe, flavorful and healthy dish.

I have made it 3 times now and every time it has gotten the big thumbs up and I have been asked for the recipe.  So here goes, enjoy friends because this one is going to be a favorite, I promise.

Mango Chicken – for the Crock Pot!

Chicken on the bottom

In a bowl add one can of corn (drained and rinsed), one can of black beans (drained and rinsed), 2 tsp of ground cumin and 2 tsp of lemon pepper.

Then add one container of fresh mango salsa and one jar of mango salsa.  Every time I have used Susan’s Gourmet Mango Salsa and once I used Trader Joes fresh mango and papaya salsa and twice I have used Evolution mango salsa.

Stir it up.

Pour over chicken and add 3/4 cup of water and cook!

Shred the chicken, toss again to soak up juices and eat!  Yummy yummy yummy!

Garnish with fresh cut up mango if you want to get super fancy.  Which I did and was indeed super fancy!  But we ate it all up so I don’t have a photo of it.  This dish is best served over a bed of rice or you know what… just eat it on it’s own… it’s that good!

Enjoy and  share this meal with those you love.

If you like this, let me know.  Happy healthy eating friends!