I can’t remember where I read this, maybe in Conversations with God, maybe A New Earth, or maybe The Bible? Wherever I read it, I feel like it is true, “Fear is just worry magnified.” With that being said, I must be crazy worried, because I am filled with fear right now.
I am starting to feel better. I have a little more energy, I don’t need to nap in my car or immediately when I walk through the door anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still nap, because I know those days will be gone soon. I am still throwing up, but not nearly as bad as I used to. It’s very predictable, and once it is done, I am okay. I cut all dairy out of my diet and that has helped me tremendously. Essentially I am getting used to being pregnant. After 4 months I should be used to it. I never had that moment that every pregnant lady and every book said I’d have. One day I would wake up and feel totally different, feel better, like before I was pregnant. Instead my feeling better has been slow and gradual. In no way was it overnight and it is not magically gone. If it was I wouldn’t have thrown up yesterday or today or… On top of that I get these pregnancy notifications through email telling me what to expect for the day or week. Sometimes they are good, like the one I forwarded to Kurt about sex and pregnancy which brought us great laughter. Or the one that said I’d experience an increase in mucus, perhaps having a stuffy nose or needing to blow my nose a lot. True! Then there was todays email “So you no longer feel pregnant.” What? Yes I do. Shut up stupid email. Stupid email pretending to know me. Boo, you just ticked me off.
Back to my point. I am feeling less caught up in surviving the moment. This allows time to think. Time for my mind to run away and fill with fear, or should I say worry.
I know that women have given birth for forever. I get it. I know that this is no new thing. I know that. I wouldn’t be here if that was not the case. My ancestors did it, thus me. But my truth is, I haven’t done it. I haven’t given birth. I haven’t grown a child in my body. I haven’t felt this weird, this off, this stretched ever before. So I am allowed to feel scared. To have fear. To be worried. I mean, I feel like my body is as stretched as it can possibly be. And I am not that big. My tummy is tight. How is it supposed to get bigger? What is happening! The only way I can make it seem relatable is if you imagine eating so much food that you can’t breathe and then you feel like you might burst open from the belly. Well that is me, right now. I have 5 more months to go! I might explode. Obviously I know I won’t. I know this, but my silly little imagination that sits up in the middle of the night or early mornings is running away from my educated brain. I get up to pee in the middle of the night and suddenly I’m awake thinking I feel huge. It’s uncomfortable to roll over because I get some weird crap and I think, I’m only 16 weeks pregnant, what will happen at 22 weeks or 30 weeks or the day I give birth?
So here I am. Kinda lost in this magnified worry. Ridiculous. I know. Truthful? Absolutely. That’s my point though, to be painfully and wholeheartedly honest.
In church today the pastor said how Easter used to be special but is also ordinary. In the ordinary the disciples went back to normal everyday life after Christ had risen. Why? Because we find comfort in our everyday normal life. It allows us to move forward and feel safe. In John 21:1-14 Christ showed himself to the disciples in their daily ordinary everyday life. He gave them just what they needed. I will trust that in my worry, in my fear, in my “how can I possibly stretch more” moments, that these are just the ordinary moments of life. My ordinary life and when I need, I can look to the other side and receive just what I need.