So I just had the pleasure of throwing up. Again. Only this time is was totally unexpected. Usually my episodes, that’s what I’ll call them, are filled with warning and nausea. This time, I was singing to my dogs and made their food bowls. Kurt was putting ginger ale in the fridge and I said “keep one out I want…” then I just threw up. I will say I did make it to the toilet, barely. Really? I just threw up. Not in the morning, not late at night. At 7:15pm, up came the delicious ice cream drumstick I enjoyed two hours ago. This makes me think. What causes this episode? I keep blaming pregnancy. But… maybe I am aiding to this. Then it hits me. The last few times I have thrown up, actually every time I have thrown up I have one ingredient in common… Dairy. Yogurt, ice cream, pizza, tacos or burritos, even lactose free milk with cereal. Yes any and every time I have even a taste of dairy, I end up throwing up. Now lucky for me I am lactose intolerant. Unlucky for me I don’t care and I have dairy anyways. Why? Because cheese tastes so good, and fake cheese tastes like fake food. Not good fake food like cheese puffs, fake food like a fruit roll up made of playdough. Ooh fruit roll ups. Yum. I might need to get me some!
Speaking of getting me some, the cravings have begun. You thought I was going to talk about sex didn’t you. That’s happening, but that isn’t where this conversation is headed. Yet. Cravings! This may make Kurt decidedly hate me for the duration of this pregnancy. But as all my previous preggo friends have said, take advantage. “Take advantage and don’t feel bad.” Which I thought was hilarious to hear. I love my husband. He is awesome and I don’t want to take advantage of him. Though truthfully when I have a craving, I HAVE TO HAVE IT! And taking advantage of my awesome hubby seems to suddenly be fine. I think, “you’re not chucking up every day or so and you didn’t just pop a button on your pants and your face isn’t getting fat,” so yeah now I say “take advantage and don’t feel bad.” The other night Kurt went out to find me good mash potatoes. Right now I want a fruit roll up. But it’s not quite at the I HAVE TO HAVE IT stage.
Allow me to switch topics for a second. I’m half Armenian. The Armenian side of my family is like “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” family. They are characters that you love, only they are real people. Hilarious and awesome people. I received phone calls the other day that both warmed my heart and made me laugh. One of my moms cousins called congratulating us and began to cry on the phone, because she was so happy for my mom. Yes my mom. How much do you love that! My mom must have said a billion times how much she wanted a grandchild and now my mom’s cousin is crying for joy, for my mom. Congrats mom. Another cousin called and said “Congratulations! Good job Kurt, good job. Way to do it right!” She continued to congratulate him on his manhood. I laughed so hard. It was fantastic. I got a call from my mom who said that she heard in the Armenian culture, if you throw up a lot, your baby is hairy. I think she meant to say has a full head of hair. But I like to think it means my baby looks like a monkey, hairy all over.
Speaking of being Armenian and hair… I’ve got a lot of it. Not all over like my womb baby. I just have a lot where you have hair. On the head, on the legs, on my eyebrows, down in the good times section. So I have a question, ladies how do you shave your legs when you get so big you can’t do it alone anymore? I’m honestly worried about this. I mean I don’t want to look like Harry from Harry and the Henderson’s in the middle of the summer. I purchased Nair and I tried it today. I must have done something wrong. I’ll have to try it again. About a month ago I got waxed. Not my legs, just my good times lady parts. That was an interesting situation. The lady who waxed me was warning me that I better keep “giving it” to my husband or he will find some girl in her 20’s who will want to “give it” to him and be a mommy to my baby. WTF? Really lady who rips hair off of the surrounding skin of vaginas and butts all day, who isn’t married and who doesn’t have kids. Really? She is so out of touch. My hubby knows not to “give it or get it” from a 20 year old. The consequence would be no more me or my good times in his life. He’s smart enough to know that what we have is real. So crazy wax lady, you might have shocked me, but you didn’t shake me. You just made me feel sorry for you, because you obviously don’t trust your man of 18 years, who didn’t marry or start a family with you.
Lastly, I’ve suddenly begun to cry. When I say cry, I mean I ball my eyes out. All while saying “I don’t know why I am crying.” Kurt immediately hugs me and begins laughing which makes me laugh then I cry more and laugh. I love that I have a man who knows that it is okay to laugh at my irrational dripping eyes. That’s why he’ll never go for a 20 something “give it” girl. Because he can laugh at my non-pain and know I won’t punch him in the face. Or balls.