More of the truth about (my) pregnancy

Here are some more truths about (my) pregnancy.  Things I forgot to mention or things that maybe I didn’t want to mention before.  Do you even want to know these pregnancy truths?  Well if you do, here it comes.  More amazing changes to my body.  More honesty about what really happens.  AND more moments of ‘God why did you make pregnancy like this?’

In my previous posts I’ve mentioned the double or tripling amounts of farting, painful constipation, excessive vomiting and exhaustion among other things.  I’ve been truly honest.  I neglected to mention the heightened sense of smell.  You’d think, oh that can’t be bad, blind people have a heightened sense of smell and they’re cool.   Truly there are so many lovely things to smell.   Like the Jasmine in my backyard that went into full bloom.  For four days blissful scents wafted through my home.  Then the rains washed it all away and stole the only good thing to my nose.  Though I can smell my neighbors fresh laundry detergent or the dryer sheets in action while walking the dogs.  But who can walk the dogs when I am busy making my baby’s gastrointestinal tract or trying to muster up energy to lift my arm to grab a glass of water to rehydrate myself (because I throw up).  The true story is I smell everything horrifying in LA.   Car exhaust fumes which there is no shortage of in LA.  Or steer manure in lawns.  Yep, it’s that time of year to throw poop on our lawns and plants.  Now I know we all smell the manure on lawns, but I smell it like I taste it.  It’s potent and powerful and it makes me want to throw up.  I smell the body odor on every human.  I mean how hard it is to use deodorant?  Seriously, take a shower then apply some deodorant.  My dogs stink.  My lovely dogs who I snuggle with are stinky.  Even after they are taken to the groomer and bathed, they still stink.  The kids at school, stink.  The grocery store!  YUCK!  Every restaurant is a warning of what might come up later, and it stinks.  All of these things send me into a nausea frenzy.  All because I can smell.

Saturday night I played at ComedySportz and someone had a salad or sandwich with onions and/or peperoncinis.  We had a break at the halfway point of the show, the halftime or intermission.  All the improvisors hold up in the dressing room until the audience comes back in for the second half.  Well, the smell at the intermission began to make me feel bad.  By the time the 2nd half of the show was happening I knew I was going to throw up.  The car ride was tricky and well controlled by me, if I do say so myself.  By the time I got home I spent a good portion of the night over the toilet.  This was no normal exit of the contents in my stomach.  This was the worst ever.  This resulted in my begging God to make it end and a loss of control.  I cried people.  Okay I sobbed and Kurt was scared for me.  It was a living nightmare.  I’m okay today.  But I never want to feel that again.  And if you eat raw onions, please stay away, at least until this baby is born.

Hey you know how I keep mentioning vomit?  Well, this is it I swear, but this is so shocking to me that when it began to happen I was so confused.  Every time I feel the rush of the oncoming pukes, I quickly sit on the toilet and pee. If I don’t make it to the toilet in time to pee, I’ll pee when I puke.  With each release of my insides also comes a release of my bladder.  What on earth is that!  Yes friends I do know about Kagels.  For those of you that don’t know what a Kagel is, it’s a technique designed by a guy named Arnold Kagel.  It strengthens the muscles in a woman’s pelvic floor.  It essentially tightens her vagina muscles.  Yes, I do them.  I still pee myself.  Now, 13 weeks in, I also pee a little if I cough hard or sneeze.  Thanks for that body.  Thanks for that added extra annoying part of pregnancy.  Please tell me after I push a baby out of my vagina I will return to pre pregnancy not peeing myself conditions.  Though I have a bad feeling about this.

On to something pretty.  Bigger boobies!  Bigger boobies that hurt, so don’t you dare touch them Kurt Scholler.  Or Holly Gray who grabbed and shook them all about in a benefit improv show last Wednesday.  Oh the cost of comedy.  I say go ahead and look, but don’t touch.  What a shame, for the first time ever my breasts are full enough for my husbands hands and if he went for them I’d punch him in the face or knee him in the groin.

Today I didn’t throw up!  Today I played some good music for my baby because he or she has ears that are developed and for the first time can hear.  Started with some Jose Gonzalez and Adele.  The vocal cords are forming this week, so maybe this baby will begin to hum along.  I’m sure in perfect pitch!  Also the gallbladder, pancreas and thyroid are being made.  That’s too crazy cool.  I mean, if I’m tired it’s because I’m making a gallbladder.  That or the fact that my baby can make urine and I  have no idea where it is going and I just need to sleep to not think about it.  In any case, this baby making is an adventure that I’d only do for this human I have yet to meet.

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5 thoughts on “More of the truth about (my) pregnancy

  1. Loved this post, and the specifics of “today I am making a gallbladder”. Made me giggle. That, and the bit about Kurt and your boobies. Maybe you should wear a diaper to control those pee yourself moments? You could just say you’re trying to be sympathetic to your soon to come baby? No? Crazy? I have had the “omg I have to pee and vomit simultaneously and wtf do I do?” times before (due to illness and bad meds, not due to baby) – Answer? DO NOT BARF IN YOUR SINK! It is very hard to clean up and you may end up sobbing while you helplessly scoop vomit out of the sink and into the toilet with a cup. Until your boyfriend comes into the bathroom to take care of you and reminds you that you own a product called Draino. Which will make it all go away very quickly, thankyouverymuch. Not that I would know.

  2. Kristie says:

    Natasha, I love reading your blog. I really think you need to write a book about the truths of pregnancy! You are hysterical and brutally honest-why didn’t anyone ever tell us this stuff before? Just remember it is all worth it in the end when you hold that baby in your arms for the first time. There is nothing like it. Trust me, the puking will stop, the boobs will stop hurting and you will get to enjoy having bigger ones for the time being. Unfortunately, the peeing when you sneeze or cough will never go away! If you find a cure for that, let us all know too.

  3. fran says:

    I love this. You are such an amazing woman. I loved anytime we were able to hang out at Uni, and am sorry I don’t see more of you.
    It is so amazing to read all of this. Thank you for sharing your journey.
    I pee all the time NOT pregnant. I’ve often thought if I ever do get pregnant I will have to buy stock in Depends.
    I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – you will be A FREAKING FANTASTIC MOMMY!
    xxoo

  4. Giselle says:

    oh honey. This made me giggle.Oh how I wish I could make the peeing stop for you. But now, after having 3 babies of my own….I pee my pants all the time. I mean I pee a lot. Usually I do okay until I pull into the driveway and the mere sight of my garage door and the knowing that there is a toilet just beyond that door…well thats enough to make me go….pretty much before I make it beyond that garage door. So I change my pants a lot. I have lots and lots of panties and jeans. oh about that question you had about shaving your lady parts when your belly is big. Get a mirror for your shower and start practicing. Or do like I did and just start using lots of cream and do it blind and usually you will do just fine. Trust me, when you start getting that big….no one gives a crap about how that thang down there looks until after the baby is out. Trust me. I loves you Mama =)

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