Here are some more truths about (my) pregnancy. Things I forgot to mention or things that maybe I didn’t want to mention before. Do you even want to know these pregnancy truths? Well if you do, here it comes. More amazing changes to my body. More honesty about what really happens. AND more moments of ‘God why did you make pregnancy like this?’
In my previous posts I’ve mentioned the double or tripling amounts of farting, painful constipation, excessive vomiting and exhaustion among other things. I’ve been truly honest. I neglected to mention the heightened sense of smell. You’d think, oh that can’t be bad, blind people have a heightened sense of smell and they’re cool. Truly there are so many lovely things to smell. Like the Jasmine in my backyard that went into full bloom. For four days blissful scents wafted through my home. Then the rains washed it all away and stole the only good thing to my nose. Though I can smell my neighbors fresh laundry detergent or the dryer sheets in action while walking the dogs. But who can walk the dogs when I am busy making my baby’s gastrointestinal tract or trying to muster up energy to lift my arm to grab a glass of water to rehydrate myself (because I throw up). The true story is I smell everything horrifying in LA. Car exhaust fumes which there is no shortage of in LA. Or steer manure in lawns. Yep, it’s that time of year to throw poop on our lawns and plants. Now I know we all smell the manure on lawns, but I smell it like I taste it. It’s potent and powerful and it makes me want to throw up. I smell the body odor on every human. I mean how hard it is to use deodorant? Seriously, take a shower then apply some deodorant. My dogs stink. My lovely dogs who I snuggle with are stinky. Even after they are taken to the groomer and bathed, they still stink. The kids at school, stink. The grocery store! YUCK! Every restaurant is a warning of what might come up later, and it stinks. All of these things send me into a nausea frenzy. All because I can smell.
Saturday night I played at ComedySportz and someone had a salad or sandwich with onions and/or peperoncinis. We had a break at the halfway point of the show, the halftime or intermission. All the improvisors hold up in the dressing room until the audience comes back in for the second half. Well, the smell at the intermission began to make me feel bad. By the time the 2nd half of the show was happening I knew I was going to throw up. The car ride was tricky and well controlled by me, if I do say so myself. By the time I got home I spent a good portion of the night over the toilet. This was no normal exit of the contents in my stomach. This was the worst ever. This resulted in my begging God to make it end and a loss of control. I cried people. Okay I sobbed and Kurt was scared for me. It was a living nightmare. I’m okay today. But I never want to feel that again. And if you eat raw onions, please stay away, at least until this baby is born.
Hey you know how I keep mentioning vomit? Well, this is it I swear, but this is so shocking to me that when it began to happen I was so confused. Every time I feel the rush of the oncoming pukes, I quickly sit on the toilet and pee. If I don’t make it to the toilet in time to pee, I’ll pee when I puke. With each release of my insides also comes a release of my bladder. What on earth is that! Yes friends I do know about Kagels. For those of you that don’t know what a Kagel is, it’s a technique designed by a guy named Arnold Kagel. It strengthens the muscles in a woman’s pelvic floor. It essentially tightens her vagina muscles. Yes, I do them. I still pee myself. Now, 13 weeks in, I also pee a little if I cough hard or sneeze. Thanks for that body. Thanks for that added extra annoying part of pregnancy. Please tell me after I push a baby out of my vagina I will return to pre pregnancy not peeing myself conditions. Though I have a bad feeling about this.
On to something pretty. Bigger boobies! Bigger boobies that hurt, so don’t you dare touch them Kurt Scholler. Or Holly Gray who grabbed and shook them all about in a benefit improv show last Wednesday. Oh the cost of comedy. I say go ahead and look, but don’t touch. What a shame, for the first time ever my breasts are full enough for my husbands hands and if he went for them I’d punch him in the face or knee him in the groin.
Today I didn’t throw up! Today I played some good music for my baby because he or she has ears that are developed and for the first time can hear. Started with some Jose Gonzalez and Adele. The vocal cords are forming this week, so maybe this baby will begin to hum along. I’m sure in perfect pitch! Also the gallbladder, pancreas and thyroid are being made. That’s too crazy cool. I mean, if I’m tired it’s because I’m making a gallbladder. That or the fact that my baby can make urine and I have no idea where it is going and I just need to sleep to not think about it. In any case, this baby making is an adventure that I’d only do for this human I have yet to meet.